right now, i feel really down.  not depressed, but low. i'm not sure i'm gonna wanna share my thoughts on that right now.  i know i shouldn't need someone else to make me happy, but i feel it would help, y'know?  it helped last year, but it killed me when it was over.  i didn't know what to do.  i've never been so attached and then left hanging without any real warning.  it's not even the same with my situation in junior/senior year.  it's just not. when i look back at that, i think..it was just a school girl crush that shoulda been dealt with differently.  i almost feel like i was a rebound, but i can't be sure.  i'm not regretting anything..i'm actually grateful for the--although short-lived--optimism.  freshman year threw everything at me at once.  i had a lot of first times, making me feel like i experienced even more in one year than all four years of high school.  it was just too unreal.  if i could do it over..yea, in a heartbeat.  if i had the choice, i'd do some things differently--that's a given.  but, even if i had to do it all the same way it was done the first time, i would take the opportunity, just to re-live the happy times...*reminiscing.

yay, just got a call from cammie!  gonna go out to eat with her, and talk.  i haven't had much of an appetite lately, but i'll get something just so we can catch up on things.  alrighty, i'm outta here!

it's so hot nowadays, but at least i got a satisfying tan from it all.  went to Castle Island to tan on Saturday and i could feel the burn.  the sun was so hot, it made my eyes tear up.  after the never-before-experienced-torture-of-tanning, my sisters and i drove to downtown, Boston, where we were gonna see if we could get a free hot air balloon ride.  we shopped too long, and by the time we go to the line, there were a gazillion people, so we didn't think that it was worth waiting. there were two balloons, and they looked like they couldn't hold more than three--four tops--people at a time. sure, they were gonna be there for four hours, but by golly, there were a lOt of people. didn't look like they were gonna get to them all. anyway, the balloon rides were in celebration of either Boston or Downtown's [some year] anniversary.  well, no balloon rides, and it turned out to be wicked humid, and i was forced to walk quickly a lot of the time...side fact (well, it's not literally located on the side of the entry or the side of the monitor, but you know what i mean...all of what i'm saying within these parenthesis are obviously of no importance): did you know that "wicked" is a native term of Massachusetts? i didn't know that until i read it on the internet somewhere...i always thought it was British or something.  anyway, i noticed this summer that with hot temps come even hotter tempers.

i'm eating cherries right now (fruit of the day!), and i'm thinking about how they try to make it all seductive when someone on tv or in the movies eats cherries or strawberries.  i don't see how you can make cherries sexy, cause the ones i'm having have seeds..how sexy is it to spit out seeds into a napkin?? i know, people probably use the seedless ones..but still. oh, and are strawberries by themselves aphrodesiacs, or is it the whipped cream that makes them that way (y'know, the licking). just so i wouldn't ramble on about my conjectures and make a fool out of myself, i searched the internet and just chose one random site that relates to the topic of aphrodesiacs and fruit. if you're interested, you can research yourself, but i'll give the link i clicked on, which explains my questioning about cherries and strawberries: http://www.sexherald.com/aphrodisiacs-improve-libido/desserts_for_desire.html . well, there it is.  i don't know why i was thinking bout it..not like anything provoked the subject matter, besides me eating cherries.  nope, didn't excite me in any way. hah! good thing, cause i'd think something is wrong with me.  i think it would be different if you're with someone you're really physically into, and the mood setting and particular surroundings are right.  why am i talking about something that i don't know about? [rhetorical question/not a rhetorical question, if you have an answer for it].

i'm thinking so much about everything, and my thoughts branch off into other topics that you wouldn't normally relate to the original one.  it reminds me of eigth grade, when i was introduced to a game by my classmate (and birthday twin) Rita.  the game worked something like this: one person mentions a subject matter/object or whatnot, and the other person has to think of something that is indirectly related to it. thEn, the first person (or someone else, depending on how many people are playing) takes the second person's answer and comes up with something indirectly related to that answer..and the game goes on like that.  want an example? if you don't, too bad, cause i'm gonna give one anyway.  let's say two people are playing the game, and the first person's first topic is summer. the second person's thought process might go as follows: summer -> winter -> fall -> leaves -> tree -> bark -> dog -> fleas -> circus -> clown -> big shoes -> giant -> green giant -> peas.. and so on..the thought process could go on forever, but for the sake of keeping up the momentum of the game, the making of connections has to stop at one point. so, after a considerable amount of time and thought, the second person might answer "peas" to the first person's "summer".  then the first person might think: peas, black eye, bully, boxing (learning it for self defense), ring, marriage, kids, stress...yah-dee yaddah..so the answer to "peas" might be "stress".  i always wondered how rita could see how i came up with some answers.  i never really tried to understand how she came up with her answers, cause i was too caught up in thinking about my next reply.  i just thought the game was perfect for me, cause i naturally think a lot, and my thoughts go off on tangents all the time.  the game might seem or sound geeky or dorky, but i don't care.  it was one of those brain exercises where you could think without causing yourself stress or aggravation.

hey, you know what else i was thinkin bout today? when i was putting my hair up into a pony tail, i was thinkin bout my papers..english (both semesters) and intro to nursing class.  i usually think all my papers are crap, but i end up with good grades (especially during the first semester)..so either i'm too critical of myself, my professors favored, the professors were overwhelmed and lost interest in overanalyzing the papers (not my second semester english professor...so i could rule that one out, i guess), or i can't tell what a decent/good paper is.  i worked the hardest in english, and i went to every single english class, and i got my only A's in english...i hope that will help me in nursing somehow.  english was my thing in middle school, all three years.  i loved it so much.  of course, it was split into "reading" and "language arts," and i particularly enjoyed the language arts portion more, because it had a lot to do with grammar, creative writing, and even reading interesting novels (so really, "language arts" shoulda been "language arts and some of your other course, 'reading'").  i remember mrs. wilson from the sixth grade.  i was tErrified of her sometimes, cause she would get moody.  i liked her a lot when she was funny and nice, but no matter what, i loved when i had Language Arts with her, hated when i had History with her.  cause i hated history (but did well, cause i was a good student in middle school) and i loved language arts, which was more laid back...and it's not like we had to know facts about other places or people.  i cried in mrs. wilson's class a couple of times. one time was during a history test. i had all this info memorized, and i was working on my last essay, when i heard mrs. wilson say something bout passing the test in...but i didn't really listen. so i stopped writing and passed it in right away. she asked me if i was done, and i shook my head, and she said, why did you pass it in if you're not done? i said, when you're done, pass the test in. she was about to give it back, then she was like, forget it, give it back (cue tears).  the next day i had language arts with her (history and language arts alternated days), and she called me to her desk while i was working on a poem.  she ended up asking me if i wanted to finish the essay, and thankfully i said yes. it was amazing that i could pick up right where i left off the day before, without any thought. i used to have useful information fresh in my mind..anyway, another time she made me cry was yet again in history.  because she hated how i didn't participate (and i didn't participate cause i was shy and was afraid to be embarrassed by getting something wrong..but it's not like i was the only one that didn't participate, so i didn't know why she wanted to pick on me), i once raised my hand to answer a question with "george washington." then she said, "nope. you must love george washington; you should just marry him!" she was joking, of course, cause she was in a good mood that day, and that was her nice side. if she said that to someone else, i might have laughed, like the rest of the class did. but, since she sounded like she was yelling at me (it didn't matter what was being said, it was the tone that freaked me out), i started to tear up, while smiling and giggling nervously.  i'm still a big cry baby now, but i was even worse when i was younger. i improved--if you can even imagine--as time went on, and i still cry a lot over things that other people might not even tear up for, but less now, and not over every single thing.  i make myself out to be a huge dopey cry baby. but maybe that's what i am, i don't know. i think i'm having one of those days that i like even less of myself...oh well, what kenya do..ooh, thAt reminds me of the ninth grade english class that i watched this tape on english speaking nowadays.  it was really boring and lame for a lot of the students, but for me, it was a little less than mildly entertaining.  i don't think it was really funny, but the guy--who i could only assume to be middle-aged--brought up some true points.  i think i still remember a couple of hypothetical stories that he made up to give his examples..at least the gist of them. one was about how "you" became "jew".  the story went something like this (tOtally paraphrasing my head off): "a mother is washing the dishes at home when her teenage son gets home from skateboarding. the mother asks her son, 'did you talk to your father today?,' to which the son replies, 'no..jew?'"  hmm, let's see, what's another story that he told.  i coulda sworn i remembered two examples of poor english, but i can't recall the second usage abuse right now.  well, you get the idea. so there you go. *moving on to my conclusion, cause i'm indefinitely sure that nobody has bothered to read this far..."indefinitely sure"..i think it's funny when people do that. like when pres bush said something like "i think definitely," as opposed to a debateably more reassuring, "i definitely think"...

aanyhowever, i'm guessing that thursday might be the last night i hang out with a friend from Quincy before i move back into school on July 4th.  sigh. didn't even get to see betty, and hardly talked to her either.  this blows.  but i'll give it a rest for a while, whatever that means.  well, time to cook the rice now (my excuse to end the entry).