okay, i've lost interest in my entry, so i'm gonna quit here.

i wonder what it will take for me to be confident in myself..and not just sometimes for a while, i mean all the time...ooh, looks like another boring entry.  sorry folks, you can bail out whenever.
i just realized that i like to make people guess things, but i'm not always so fond of guessing.  i'm kinda impatient sometimes, and sometimes the curiosity gets to be too much, and i just cAn't steer away from a thought, even when i'm told that thought is incorrect.  it's complicated, really...no, actually, it's not.  look, i'm so conflicted with myself.
hmm..okay, so i lost my permit...i need to get a new one without my parents finding out. this might be a hard task.  but my whole family will be goin to new york on monday, so if i stay behind, i'll have the house to myself.  that will be my chance to go get my permit and do a couple other things that are important for me to do. ooh, i wonder if i'll get the house to myself.  if i do, will i go out, or invite people...?
i wonder if i'm still gonna hang out with one or two people tomorrow..or, since it's almost one, later today...i hope so, cause i wanna do something..i'm just not sure what.  it would be cool if dan, janet and i could really do that bowling thing.  of course, it might be more fun with other people, but havin at least us three would be ideal...just wouldn't be the same if one of us was missing, cause we talked bout doing that during the very winter vacation that we are having right now.  well, this indefinite plan was momentarily discussed while the three of us talked more often than we do now...it's a disappointment, really..but it's not as easy to make conversation anymore.  you see, at first, i was staying away cause i didn't wanna get hurt...i started to like dan again, and i had to stop myself, so i kinda avoided him more than i really wanted to...well, i won't regret...i'll just learn that it's not the way to do things.
i wonder if i ruin things because i'm afraid of getting hurt. i know i did that in the eigth grade...i never had a boyfriend, so if someone were to ask me out, i woulda said no, but i woulda wAnted to say yes.  it's just that i was already afraid of being dumped before i even began having a relationship.  i wonder how i would be now if i actually said yes...again, no regrets, but just plain curiosity.  oh well.  i'm rather content with my present situation.  i'm still insecure, but i can't say anything could change that.

i'm learning not to regret things, but i wonder an awful lot about things.  like if i hadn't had a talk with this person about a specific subject, would i feel the way i do about this subject right now, and would i have somewhat acted on it??  i wanna know my friend's opinion on something, but i don't want her to ask me questions..i don't want her opinions be affected by what i think or what i've done or haven't done..you know what i mean??  i know sOmebody knows what i mean, and that somebody should know who she is.
oh, i was just thinking..if you think you're picky or lonely, i think that it would be worth a try to give someone a try--even if there's something that you already know you don't like about that person.  who knows, maybe you'll learn to like it.  and if you don't, then it's just a reinforcement of what you should try to avoid in the future.  try it, you might like it.  if you don't, at least you know that later on you won't wonder if you mighta ended up liking what you refused to try...does this make any sense?  i'm sure if someone were to dispute this, i'd have more stuff to say. for now, i'll move on.
i'm not big on movies, as a result of watching wAy too many, but i'm starting to wanna watch them again.  i wanna see the passion of the christ, just to see what it's like, but i'm afraid i'll get tired of the subtitles..i don't like those movies as much ,cause i can't get into the movie when i hafta read and not be able to see the action and scenery.  i'm rambling on and on about stuff, and it's boring even me.  i can't imagine how you must be feeling reading this.  kudos to you if you got this far!  and thanks for your faith in me that i might start writing about more interesting topics.  however, i regret to inform you that what you are expecting will not happen.  your expectations of reading an entry that may turn into an interesting one will not be fulfilled.  if you're not expecting anything, then by all means, please feel free to read on.  i'm just talking nonsense, and it kills me.  the entry that i'm actually gonna publish is a disappointment, compared to the one that i mistakenly deleted...nope, still not over it.
i'm kinda sick of some people..what a damn shame.  i can't stand the attitudes!  i'm not gonna blame all other people and act like i'm the victim, cause i know that i'm giving attitude sometimes too...i even hate when i give an attitude to someone.  sometimes i'm not, and i'm accused of doing so..that's what i don't like, and that provokes someone to pick a fight with me.  i don't like how someone might take out their anger on people other than the person/idea they are actually angry at...i do it too, i admit...i just hate that the notion of doing that exists.  man, i'm typing all this and wondering if people are getting what i'm trying to say.
i'm craving to be somewhere away from this negativity right now.  sometimes someone else's anger puts me in a bad mood myself, cause i find it silly for that person to be mad in the first place.  i know, i know, i get angry for no good reason sometimes...but i end up hating myself for it. it's true, i wonder why i'm angry when i know i shouldn't be, so i call myself stupid and ridiculous, which makes me even more upset.  man oh man, i'm a mess.  how can anyone possibly be interested in me...i realized that if my godsis never saw me in a bad mood and so easily frustrated, we still have a lot to find out about each other; it's not good enough that we've been good, fast friends and known each other for four years. 
so...i learned i liked some things i wasn't sure i'd discover i'd like so soon.  i realize i need the attention to feel better.  this isn't right.  i should feel confident about myself without someone else..but it's just not the case.  i'm not saying i totally depend on someone to feel better about myself, but sometimes it really helps.  okay, well, i wish i could expand on this subject, but i'm afraid to share too much with people.  yea, that's right.  if you ask me, i may or may not tell you what i'm referring to.  let's just make it easier for you and myself, and don't ask me anything further about what you see on this page.  what you see is what you're meant to be told by me.  if i bring it up, you can ask/talk bout it, but not otherwise.  i just wanna make that clear right now so that there won't be any problems later. 
kidokes, i'm gonna stop typing all this shit now, cause i'm just wasting time. i don't feel i have anything interesting to say anymore...Ack.  hopefully next time i write, i won't be feeling like i do now (not the greatest, to give you an idea).  i hope i have happy and funny things to say.  aww, hell, that's really not gonna happen.  oopsie!  maybe i shouldn't have said any of that..if that gave you any hope, sorry.  i wanna just delete the last few sentences, cause i just sound even more stupid than before.  however, it seems as though i enjoy expending more energy to type that i wanna delete the previous paragraph, rather than taking the easy way out and actually pressing the backspace button.  that's right, i'm a big loser, and you can't do anything about that.  just make light of it and move on (at this point, i no longer know what i'm talking about..the thoughts reach no further than than my fingtertips).  O-KAY, "i will let you go now"  *giggles...i think only a couple of you will know why that makes me laugh.  hmm, i'm not sure if it's really applicable here, cause you probably woulda wanted to leave this site on your own, so maybe i really am letting you go now, cause i'm finally ending this torture...then again, if you rEAlly wanted to leave, you coulda done it on your own, before bothering to finish reading til the very end.  oh, i really really encourage some replies to this entry...i think reading the replies makes me interested in writing in this thing.  but a lot of you ask me about my entries or comment on them when we're on aim or talking in person/on the phone.  that's no fun!  it makes it seem like only one or two people read this thing..and i knOw that's not true.  you guys admit to reading it, you know you do.  ooh, i hope that doesn't discourage you from replying now...oh, why bother to replying to this nonsense.  see, now i've lost hope.  well, reply if you want, don't if you don't wanna, obviously.  i'll just talk to you all whenever.  stay cool, my good people!

okay, so one time i go to dinner with amy and janet, and i forget to get a knife.  we sat way in the back, and as i'm making my way back to the table with a knife in my hand, of cOUrse people seem to wanna get in my way...by the time i get to the section where we were sitting, i had attempted like twelve stabbings!
wait, there's more:  one time i forgot to get a fork, cause i expected to have a sandwich and soup, but i got salad instead of a sandwhich...so, i'm walking back to the table with a three-tined fork in my hand, and suddenly i find myself dodging people that were coming right at me, just looking for a lawsuit..."that girl stabbed me with a fork!" they'd say.  yea.  so that's my story. oh, and i keep forgetting to get a spoon for my soup!  yea, that's all.
hmm, what else...i don't think i'm switching schools anymore...but i can't be totally sure.  i don't think it'd be the same if i changed schools.  i mean, i approached a lot of people this year, but the majority of them are freshman too.  so if i were to switch schools, would i approach just freshman, or anyone at all?  i keep meeting people...talking to strangers makes me happy sometimes.  but not all strangers!  if you're trashy, don't look me up and down, cause i will lose ALL respect for you. 
i wish i could say all i wanna say.  there's just too much goin on in my head all the time, but at the same time, there isn't enough consideration for certain things.
otherwise, i'm having a great time here!  i never knew that i would like this freedom that i have.  i mean, comin back to my dorm four in the morning on a school night?!?  that's unheard of!  i wouldn't have been able to leave at one in the morning to go somewhere when i was at home...well, unless it was with family or betty.  yupyup!  so, i'm totally hyped for the weekend!  the first college long weekend!  it's gonna go by quickly though, i just know it.  it always does.  i probably won't do much hw over the weekend.  i never really get anything done at home.  before, home was my homework space.  now it's my relaxation domain. 
i'm not making any effort to make this journal entry sound like a story or whatnot...i don't know why people would bother reading what i write, but i appreciate that people would wanna know what's goin on.  yes, we americans are a nosy bunch!
i decided to stay with the Asian Student Association instead of Habitat for Humanity.  i wonder if any of my friends joined, if i woulda stayed in the club.  i just felt out of place.  i coulda met new people; i mean, i could tell that i could talk to this one girl on the e-board, but i already said that i quit...well, i guess three clubs would be over-doing it.  i'm still not managing my time well, i'm in ASA and Circle K (which i'm very excited bout), and i'm gonna eventually get my hours to work at the library.  i don't know if i'll handle everything well (~crosses fingers~).